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DREAMER
NEWSLETTER – SPRING 2004 By Dr. Dana Spears Dana Spears’ Speaking Schedule Update: Selling Books: Home
Educators Conference Fund, Speaking and Selling Books:
Speaking and Selling Books:
Memphis-area Home Education Assoc.,
Travel Plans (if you are interested in booking a workshop): New Questions from Readers: “Can a Dreamer be a ‘neat-nick’?” Answer: Dreamers
aren’t usually neat. If they are
trying to be different from a messing sibling it is possible. But usually, neat Dreamers are those who
feel that their lives are in some way out of control. Having control over their own rooms and
their own things can give insecure Dreamers some sense of control. It is also possible for Dreamers to suffer from
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Usually, these Dreamers show other obsessive behaviors such as the
need to even up things. One Dreamer
told me, “If I bump something with my left arm, I feel a need to bump
something with my right arm to even things up. Several family members said they do the
same thing when I talked to them about it.” Other obsessive behaviors include hand
washing, hair pulling, hair twirling, and constant cleaning (like vacuuming
several times a day when there is no evident dirt). “Is it a Dreamer trait to hit and bite?” Answer: Young Dreamers,
and even some as old as 10 or 11 can bite with provoked (usually by siblings)
although obviously the behavior is not appropriate at any age. Dreamers often hit when teased. Both behaviors can begin to be controlled
once the Dreamer believes that he or she can control it. Because it happens impulsively or
“without thinking”, Dreamers often believe they can’t
control the impulse. Rewards can help remind Dreamers to think first. Once the child controls the behavior for a
period of time, the fact that the child has controlled it should be pointed
out. From that point on, tell the
child that you expect him or her to control it from now on. Don’t expect perfection at
first. But remind the child of the
success of the past as proof of the child’s ability to control his/her
temper. Any punishment should be socially-related. For example, “You can’t go to
any more birthday parties until you have stopped biting for at least a month.” Show the child a calendar to make the time
more concrete. If hitting or biting is
more than an occasional problem, time periods before a reward should be
shorter. If you begin to believe that the child truly can’t control
the impulse, then you might need to have the Dreamer evaluated for Attention
Deficit Disorder. But only do this
after offering a powerful reward and getting no change in behavior. Nothing
is a powerful reward for all children, so be sure your child really cares
about the carrot you’re hanging on the end of your stick. Contact Dr. Dana Spears with your questions: Be sure to scroll down
to read newsletters on many important topics.
DREAMER NEWSLETTER –
WINTER 2004 By Dr. Dana
Spears Did winter slip by without my noticing? Oh well, we can all have a Dreamer season
or two. New movies out on DVD that are liked by Dreamer Children: Title Dreamer
Themes Finding Nemo loyalty, love,
determination Freaky Friday relationships,
creativity, underdogs Holes inventions,
injustice, feeling defeated, underdogs Radio relationships,
underdogs, injustice Second Hand Lions tall
tales, adventure, relationships All, being “modern” have some problems with language
or violence except Finding Nemo. My
personal favorites are Holes, which
has many unexpected twists, and Radio,
which has triumphant and redemptive themes. Do You Know a Rescuer? Dreamers have a tendency to want to rescue others. In this fallen world there is a lot of
rescuing to be done. For example, I
know adult Dreamers who have rescued children from abusive parents either as
foster parents or by fighting family members for guardianship. Are Dreamers just tilting at windmills, or
is this healthy and productive? Children who have been rescued will tell you that Dreamers are
their heroes. One gal recently told me
about the group of church members who rescued her when her mother broke her
nose. They gave her not only a safe
place to live, but also listening ears.
She relates how when she finally entered counseling as an adult, the
counselors assumed she had already had a lot of professional counseling
because she was so healthy. She told
them, “No. I just had a lot of
Godly women in my life that listened to me and taught me.” If I ask the spouse of a Dreamer rescuer, I often hear a
different perspective. Although the
spouse will not deny the benefit that the Dreamer has done in the lives of
others (although not every situation has a happy ending), he or she may also
express a feeling of abandonment by the outward-focused Dreamer. Rescuing takes a lot of time and
energy. Families often feel left out
of the process. What guidelines are helpful for Dreamers when stepping in to
rescue others? First, be sure there is
some opportunity for success. If
success seems unlikely, perhaps someone else is better equipped to address
the particular situation. Second, is the person to be rescued a willing participant? If not, someone else, such as a
professional counselor will need to bring the person to a point of being
willing to accept help. Third, is the Dreamer’s immediate family supportive of the
decision to attempt to rescue? Has it
been prayed about and discussed? This
is not always possible in emergency situations, such as getting a child away
from a drug abusing parent. Still, if
emergency action is taken, the family should be part of the decision-making
regarding the next step. Not only
spouses, but the Dreamer’s children can feel abandoned by the Dreamer
who rescues. Fourth, is the rescue safe for others in the family? For example, I don’t advise bringing
a sexually abused child or teen into a home with young children. Instead, the Dreamer can participate in
trying to find another place for that child or teen and providing emotional
support for the person(s) who take the abused child or teen. Fifth, can the Dreamer live himself/herself if s/he does
nothing? This is a point spouses
especially need to understand.
Dreamers do not detach from those they care about. They can’t just say, “Well, you
can’t rescue everyone.”
Dreamers will certainly try to do just that. Sixth, therefore, is can the Dreamer find someone else who has
more time or energy to take on the situation?
It may be that a rescue is needed, but who is best equipped to
rescue? Appeal to the compassion of
the Dreamer in wanting the best rather than the more “realistic,”
“Well, you can’t rescue everyone,” tactic. Rescues that involve children, are very
different from rescues that involve adults.
No one can force an adult to accept help or get help. Adults often require rescue from their own
pattern of bad decisions. Rarely, are they
complete victims in the way a child can be.
Even abused spouses often are unwilling to give up their lifestyle
in exchange for personal safety or the safety of their children. They do not acknowledge the role their own
need for financial security plays in preventing real, positive change. Women
who are very capable of making a living may be as afraid to leave their
country club lifestyle as they are to stay with the abusive spouse. Such confused thinking often requires
professional intervention. A team approach is often most beneficial with adults, such as
having the boss, the church, and the family all holding the person
accountable. This is why interventions
with adult drug or alcohol abusers often involve the whole extended family. Dreamers are often asked to keep secrets by adults who can only
be really helped once they begin to be transparent with those around them. Secrets are destructive both to the
troubled person and to the Dreamer. Do
not agree to keep secrets that support destructive behavior. Most Dreamers will be involved in rescues at some time in their
lives. These can be productive and healthy,
if the Dreamer considered the consequences to everyone involved and looks for
allies in the process of rescue rather than trying to be the “Lone
Ranger.” For answers to your questions, email Dr. Dana Spears at danaspears@springmail.com DREAMER NEWSLETTER:
FALL 2003 By Dr. Dana Spears Student is Expelled Temporarily for
Short Story You may have heard
of the teen in Revenge
fantasies: Dreamers
often have revenge fantasies. Most are
never acted out in any way. To
determine if a Dreamer is actually a danger to herself or others, the child
or teen would need to be evaluated for level of depression and anger. Depression:
Most Dreamers have periods of situational depression. That alone does not necessarily constitute
a danger. However, if a Dreamer has elaborate
fantasies about hurting real people (not fictional characters) or has
suicidal plans as to how s/he would commit suicide, then there is a danger
that the Dreamer will act on those fantasies. Creativity: I am not a Stephen King fan and I
don’t know what kinds of stories he wrote in high school. But I can imagine that young Stephen would
be booted out of school very quickly were he a teen these days. Yet as far as I know, he has never hurt
anyone physically (which is all that concerns most schools, unfortunately). Love for
the tragic: If they start confiscating Dreamer
journals, school administrators may become terrified of some very gentle
souls. Dreamers write elaborate
stories and some of them are quite dark. This does not mean that they
actually want tragic things to happen. They simply have a natural love for the
tragic, tear-jerker. I myself am a
Driver. I always want things to turn
out well. Stories like Romeo and Juliet are fraught with
goals unmet and plans gone amiss.
That’s not my idea of a story that is fun to read or watch. It might be worthwhile, but certainly not
fun. But Dreamers
don’t see stories that way at all.
As long as the story is meaningful, all the characters can meet a
tragic end and Dreamers still think it’s a great story. My Dreamer husband took me to see a movie
about children dying in the Holocaust for our first date. I was beyond words after seeing it, but he
had thought it would be a great “date movie”. Perhaps you
remember how in Anne of Green Gables,
Anne and her friends act out the sad tale of Elaine “the fair lily
maid” from Tennyson’s poem. The fair and dead Elaine is floated
off in a boat onto a lake. Anne,
playing Elaine, floats off and then the old boat begins to sink, turning
poetic play tragedy into a near tragic drowning. Young Dreamer
Anne thought tragic stories like that of Elaine were very sweet, not scary,
though her friends didn’t quite agree, thinking she looked a little too
dead as she drifted off. When Anne
wrote down her own dramatic fantasies, she often showed them to her friend
Diana. Anne’s fictional life had
many parallels with that of her creator, Dreamer Lucy Maud Montgomery. It is very possible that this particular
event or something like it may have actually happened to Maud. Another famous
Dreamer author, Louisa May Alcott, wrote many stories about murders and
villains in her younger years. This
did not make her homicidal. Had she
been called mentally unbalanced due to those immature writing efforts, she
might never have written Little Women. On the other
hand, we can’t just write the whole thing off to a school’s
paranoia. There have been a lot of
“copy cats” since Columbine.
Wounded Dreamers can be dangerous.
They never accept the real world.
Either some of their ideals or met and they take an optimistic point
of view, or they become extremely cynical and angry. Dreamer teens
who might not have acted on revenge fantasies have been emboldened by that
event and the publicity the two murderers received. Teens seeking to send a message have seen that
murder is an effective tool to communicating their anger over harassment and
rejection by peers. There is no
indication from news reports that this particular girl was a victim of school
harassment, although she was described as experiencing periods of
depression. Again, that in itself is
not unusual for teens, especially girls and introverts. Those who write out their feelings are
often better off than those who bottle feelings up. When the Everyone will
be watching her. We’ll see how
she holds up under the pressure. My
concern is that due to the punitive rather than nurturing way this was
handled, Dreamers may stop showing their revenge fantasies and creative
writing to anyone. Students will not
then be safer, but more at risk. An
afterthought: One thing that was odd in this case was
that a school spoke-woman said she could not address the issue of the teacher
taking the journal off school property, saying the school had “no
policy” on how teachers were to treat student’s personal
property. When it seems that schools
have a policy on everything, how could such a basic issue never have been
addressed?? On a lighter
note… Dreamer Children and the Holidays Big events
mean big expectations from Dreamer children.
They love holidays and the girls especially have a lot of dreams about
what Thanksgiving and Christmas should be like. “Why don’t we do
this…” can mean a lot of time and expense on your part. To help the
holidays be both more meaningful and less likely to disappoint a child, try
some of these tips: 1. Require spending creativity: Put child on a strict budget and go to a
dollar store or make gifts and decorations.
Let the child creatively find ways to solve the financial
limitations. Talk about the meaning of
giving and why the price is not the important thing. 2. Add new rituals: Have children write out a list of what they
are thankful for to read before the Thanksgiving meal. Print the list nicely from the computer or
by hand on nice paper so it can be saved in a scrap book. Have advent family devotionals. Make a “good-deed” advent
calendar with a family daily “good deed” under each flap. Good deeds can include things like raking a
neighbor’s leaves, making a special meal for Dad, or taking cookies to
an older person you know. Talk about
how God’s gift to us spurs your family to give to others. 3. Have a short inexpensive craft for each day
of December. These should usually take
around 15 minutes to complete so that they do not become an added stress to
your busy schedule. These can include
things like decorating paper bags or rolls of paper for gift wrap with sponge
paint, making simple Christmas cards with stamps, and making ornaments with
origami or family snapshots. Knowing
that if you start longer projects like stringing popcorn younger children
will quit and you will be left to finish, you should pick projects you enjoy. 4. Have the children put together a
Thanksgiving or Christmas play or song like the sisters did in Little Women. Give general guidelines (what is acceptable
and what isn’t) and how long it should last. Give them a box of old clothes and let them
come up with the costumes. Keeping it
short guarantees an enthusiastic audience. 5. Volunteer your family to help someone else
enjoy the holiday by doing something on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day that
frees another to be with family. This
can mean anything from feeding someone’s animals to sitting with an
invalid. Lots of folks want to serve
food at homeless shelters and participate in other Thanksgiving and Christmas
events, but many individual needs go unmet. Holidays can
be special without being too hectic or too commercial. Try to make yours meaningful this year. Coming Seminars I had a
wonderful trip to January 10
– available date for the Oakland/San Francisco area. (I will already be there for a family
gathering). February (date
not set) – parenting seminar, March (date
not set) – home school conference, April – Other
conferences will be added to this list soon. To contact
me: email – danaspears@springmail.com Summer 2003 Dreamer Newsletter By Dr. Dana Spears What’s New The book Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? has been placed on back-order by the
publisher. I purchased their last printed
copies in May 2003. Until a decision
is made to reprint, copies can still be purchased from Dreamer Resources
directly. The new workbook for home
schoolers, Teaching Your Dreamer Child,
can also be purchased from Dreamer Resources, as can tapes for parents and
great books for Dreamers. (See Spring
2003 newsletter below for details.) I will be
speaking in the mid-west this fall on Saturday October 11th in Dreamer
Resources will have a table at the The World According to Junie B. Jones Author Barbara
Parks has created a character, Junie B. Jones, who has the typical Dreamer
mix of emotion and imagination and learns everything the hard way. Although some may find her a less than
ideal role model because she often challenges adults, Junie B. books can be
helpful teaching tools for Dreamers.
Junie B. is funny and non-threatening.
Talking about what Junie B. “should have done” can help a
Dreamer think before acting. So if you want
to use Junie B. Jones books for family reading time and work them into family
talks, look for these Dreamer traits to discuss: Selective
Empathy – Junie
B. wants everyone to be sympathetic to her feelings and she is not generally
unkind (though impulsive), but she hates “that meany Jim” a boy
in her class, and feels justified in calling him whatever comes into her
head. Use Jim as a starting point for
talking about why revenge isn’t the best solution to problems. Clinging to
the Impossible –
No matter how logical the adults in her life try to be, Junie B. always
manages to hang on to the improbable or impossible things she dreams up. One day when she finds out she’s the
only child in the class not invited to Jim’s birthday, she tells the
family she’s moving that day. No
matter what the family offers her as an alternative to the party, she tells
them that their ideas would be great except for one little thing. “I’m moving today.” Determination
is a great thing when channeled properly.
But stubbornly clinging to an imaginary world in which the Dreamer has
all kinds of power and abilities she really doesn’t have leads to
social isolation and even mental illness.
So take your idealist through the realities of Junie B.’s
situation and help your child think of more creative solutions to Junie
B.’s problems that do not involve a complete separation from reality. Discuss the problems that occur when
imagination becomes an escape rather than a tool. You’ll
find plenty of stories in which Junie B. chooses to suspend reality. In one book, she decides her new baby
brother is a monkey because her grandmother calls him “the cutest
little monkey you ever saw.” There
aren’t many 5 year olds who would take that expression literally
without asking any questions. But Junie B. really wants the seemingly
impossible statement to be true, so she looks for facts to support it and
then tells her whole class she has a brother who is a monkey. Unfortunately, as often happens, what Junie
B. thinks is cool, other kids think is funny or weird. Lacks
Emotional Control
– Quick to anger, Junie B. does a lot of screaming in class and on the
playground. At the same time, though
she appears very strong and spunky, she is also equally quick to be
embarrassed. She does as much hiding
as she does screaming. Both are common
Dreamer behaviors. Discussing Junie
B.’s behavior rather than your own Dreamer child’s behavior is
less threatening and lets you get to the heart of an issue without either
anger or embarrassment. But be sure
that you aren’t too quick to say, “You know. You do that same thing.” Let the Dreamer child discover that for
himself by asking questions like, “How do you think Junie B. is
feeling?” and “Why do you think Junie B. did that?” Doesn’t
Like to Follow “Dumb” Rules - Junie B. just doesn’t seem to be able to remember
some rules. She calls her grandmother
“Helen” though told not to many times. Why?
Because she thinks it’s a dumb rule. Everyone else calls her Helen, why
shouldn’t Junie B.? Now there
are ways to explain about titles of respect that Junie B. might understand. Either these haven’t been explained
to her or she has found the explanations less than convincing. Sound familiar? Again, use Junie B. stories as a
springboard to discuss rules that aren’t respected around your
house. Take your time. Let the story make the point. Ask good questions. See if your child can come up with
reasonable solutions to Junie B.’s problems. Another Book Idea Try reading
the Man in the Ceiling by Jules Feiffer to your child to get some great
discussions going about what it means to be a Dreamer and the parent of a
Dreamer. It is also available on tape
from Recorded Books, Inc. Questions?
Email me at danaspears@springmail.com Dreamer Newsletter: Spring 2003 Good News for Home Schoolers We have just
printed a new workbook by Dr. Dana Spears for home school families called Teaching Your Dreamer Child. This will be available at conferences and
on this website only. A copy of the
topics covered is listed below: Topic page Introduction 3 Understanding Dreamers 4 Creative 5 Sensitive 6 Moody 6 Fears Failure 7 Sins Boldly 9 Understanding How Your
Child Learns 12 Random
12 Abstract 12 Conceptual 14 Visual
14 Auditory
15 Kinesthetic 15 Understanding Yourself 17 Your Teaching Style 17 Your Environment 18 Creating a Rich
Environment 19 Is There Morse Code on the Wall? 19 Building on Books 19 Inspirational Teaching 21 Project-Based Learning 23 Finding a Motivation
23 Mentoring
24 Beyond These Walls 25 Bringing Back the Dead 26 Selecting Curriculum 27 Sparking the Imagination 29 Handling Moodiness 31 When to Ignore 32 Evaluating Your Child’s Progress 33 Motivating a Dreamer in “Boring”
Subjects 34 Serving to Learn, Learning to Serve
35 Colleges and Other Creative Places 35 Conclusion
37 All orders
must be paid by check or money order.
The cost is $10.99 plus shipping.
Check out this and other materials now available by mail order on our
“Where to buy the Book” page on this website. Where to meet Dr. Dana Spears: I plan to be
in the Traveling with a Dreamer Child Dreamers love change
and adventure. As summer rolls around,
many of us plan family vacations. Your
Dreamer may be the one most looking forward to the trip and thinking the most
about it when she should be thinking about something more immediate. With such high expectations, disappointment
can occur when the real trip doesn’t measure up to the ideal trip
planned. Here are some ideas for
preparing your child for the trip to maximize learning and minimize
disappointment: 1.
Let your child see the budget and help make budgeting decisions. 2. Prepare a note book of
what you will see for the Dreamer to use as a scrap book of the trip. Leave pages for journaling and gluing in
pictures and keepsakes. Add some
crossword puzzles, mazes, or other games related to your trip. 3. Have the Dreamer child
help brainstorm about rainy day activities and alternative activities if
something you want to do doesn’t work out. 4. Have the child make a
calendar of the trip, adding in those alternative plans. 5. Talk to the child about
consideration for others involved in the trip and their desires. For example, if you are staying with
family, explain to the child what role the family will take in planning
events and how to respond politely to what they have planned. Plan a procedure that allows your child to
express her desires to you privately without complaining to your hosts. 6. Play a “What
Could Go Wrong,” story game with your family before you go. Think of everything that could go wrong
(missed flights, flat tires, bad weather) and then have the children think up
worse mishaps. Try to make this fun
and silly, while still getting across the idea that things don’t always
go as planned. 7. Let you Dreamer know
how much spontaneity will be possible on the trip. In your planning, try to leave some time
for spontaneous choices. 8. Have your child earn
money or give your child some trip money.
The Dreamer should be told that once that money is gone, he
won’t be able to buy more souvenirs.
Talk about what types of things might be chosen on each leg of the
trip. For example, if you are going to
Enjoy the
journey! Traveling with Dreamers can
be fun as long as you do the planning ahead and leave them chances to follow
their dreams. Using Picture Books to Teach a Foreign
Language Many familiar
children’s books are now available in the New Resources for Dreamers I have
compiled a lot of great books for Dreamers that are available by mail order
at 20% off retail plus nominal shipping.
These are “one of a kind” choices, meaning I pick up great
deals as I find them and I may have only one copy of any title at a given
time. So, if you see something you
want, don’t delay ordering or it may be gone. You may reserve your order by email. It will be shipped after your check or
money order arrives. Go back to the
home page of this site and click on “Where to buy the Book” to
check out the list of books and tapes currently available. The list will be updated weekly. To reserve an
order or contact Dr. Dana Spears send her an email at: Dreamer
Newsletter: Winter 2003 By Dr. Dana Spears Read, Read, Read Do you have a dreamer child who
doesn’t read? The best way to
change that is to read to your child.
Most dreamers love to be read to no matter their age. When you read one book in a series, leave
the others around the house. Suddenly,
you may find your curious child reading ahead. Be sure to scold him or her in a teasing
way for “cheating”. Being
contrarians, this will encourage more reading. If you don’t like to read or have
time limitations, for books on tape suggestions, see the Fall 2002 Dreamer
Newsletter. When I think about being read to I always remember the scene from
the movie Sense and Sensibility
where the romantic dreamer, Marianne, encourages the shy Edward to read more
dramatically. If you have a similar
experience with your child coaching you in how to read with passion, let her
read to you. By the way, that scene
involves the reading of poetry, another dreamer favorite. Our family read the Lord of
the Rings trilogy last year after the first movie was released. My six-year-old sat through it spellbound. To help longer books “grab”
your children, be sure to stop and talk about what you are reading as you go
along. My 4 year old loved the Series of Unfortunate Events books, as
did my older children. I, however, had
experienced too many unfortunate events to completely appreciate the
humor. It is important to read books
you can enjoy too. Great Books, Great Music Just as children need to be exposed
to great literature, they also need to hear great music. Due to the popularity of books on tape at
our house, it took us a while to get the children to listen to any music in
the car. But at home where there is
room to dance and act as well as listen, music has always been a big
hit. The Russian Dance from The Nutcracker is still number one on
the hit parade after many years.
Children tend to appreciate ballet music because it generally involves
a story. Peter and the Wolf and Carnival
of the Animals are also popular for that reason. If you are committed to having a
fun-loving, yet twaddle-free home, start their music education with ballet
music and move on things not always available on the radio like jazz, hymns,
and folk music. Don’t worry that
they’ll miss out on pop culture.
You can’t avoid it.
It’s piped into the grocery store and sung by their
friends. My children never heard Who Let the Dogs Out on the radio, yet
somehow they know every word. Dreamers who are also auditory
learners are especially music-oriented.
They need to listen to the good stuff while young. And when they start taking piano and other
instruments, be sure to find teachers who can play by ear and improvise, as
well as read music. Dreamers often
want to write and arrange music from an early age. They need teachers with similar gifts to
nurture this. The Winter Blues All dreamers, no matter their ages,
are more prone to depression than other cognitive types. If there is any family history of
depression or alcoholism (which often masks depression and anxiety) this is
doubly true. Winter, with low light
and lower activity level can be the most difficult time of the year. Look out for these signs of depression and
seek an evaluation by a mental health professional if depression is
indicated: Sleep
changes: too much sleep or unable to
sleep Sudden need to
be alone all the time/signs of emotional withdrawal from life Increasing
lack of motivation Increased
inability to focus Increased
forgetfulness Self-abusive
remarks Self-abusive
actions (cutting self, pulling out hair, biting self, banging head) Hints about
suicide Depression
itself is a medical condition with medical consequences. It can negatively impact many systems in
the body. But many depressive symptoms
also can be caused by other health problems such as thyroid abnormalities and
hormone imbalances. A complete medical
work-up, including blood work, can help rule out these other medical
conditions as the cause of the depression.
Have a Happy New Year! Email your questions to: danaspears@springmail.com
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